This is going to fall under the category of “Posts People Probably Don’t Want to Read on Account of Their Being Overly Morose,” but here we are.

My dad’s cancer is getting worse and worse.

Yesterday, he was unable to make it to his radiation treatment because he was having some intense pain in his lower back. The cancer is in his liver and bones and he has low calcium (which apparently causes pain along with brain fog), so we don’t know exactly what is causing the discomfort. He was admitted to the hospital and is currently being monitored. My brothers and I are on our way to see him and be with him and…shit, I don’t even know. What does one do?

There have been dozens of times when I’ve thought to myself, “I don’t think I could feel any worse than I do,” only to find out that there is no bottom to this mess. As Trent Reznor once said, “I now know the depths I reach are limitless.” Of course he was talking about sex and/or drug addiction, but misery is misery at a certain point. We’re all brothers and sisters in pain.

I have no idea what to do and feel like I’m panicking all the time. I randomly start crying and am desperately overwhelmed by everything that I have to do. (Life goes on despite the mess — I’ve got papers to grade and meetings to attend and dishes to do and all the while I feel like my brain is a puddle of goo.) From what I understand, so many people are going through this.

Every time I mention to a coworker what’s going on, the invariable response is, “Oh, that has happened or currently is happening to my family also!” Sometimes it’s a father, sometimes a mother, sometimes a sibling, sometimes a child.

It’s…disheartening. Like peeking behind the veil only to see a hospital waiting room.

So, to everyone out there who has been touched by this bullshit, I wish you all a hearty fuck cancer.