When I was 28 or 29 and living in South Korea, there was this little old saleswoman who would come into our private school and sell little, tiny bottles of fresh juice. She was small and polite and wore an apron as if she’d just come from the factory where they squeezed the greens. She drove around the neighborhood on a little refrigerator cart bringing juice to local businesses. (It is a job I’ve often dreamed of having…)

This little, old saleswoman said something like, “For $0.60 a day, you too can feel the health effects of mashed undergrowth!” and passed out a few free samples. Her schtick was you’d sign up with her and then, once a day, she’d come in with her electric cart and bring you a healthy little drink or two. There was pomegranate, garlic, ginger. All sorts of plants that you don’t normally associate with being “juice.”

The free sample I got tasted like grass that had been cut with the sharpened edge of kale leaf. It was bad, but not in a disgusting way. Bad like the most intense salad flavor you’ve ever tried. It was the most “green” you could possibly cram into such a tiny bottle.

I was immediately hooked. I’m not a masochist (I think) and I’ve never really loved salads, but at that point in my life I was very much in a Try-Everything-There-Is! sort of mentality. It’s just sort of something you need to do while you’re traveling — be open to ideas, try things you wouldn’t normally try, go places you wouldn’t normally go. It’s the attitude that lets you try eating dog, scorpion, or silk worm larvae. “Get uncomfortable,” basically. So, I signed up to have the lady bring me the grass/kale drink three times a week.

Since then, I’ve made a habit of drinking strange “green drink!” just about everywhere I go. I’ve been doing this for years, but over the last 1 or 2, I’ve made it a daily habit.

Recently, I found this at my local grocery store:

And holy shit! My first sip was so intensely green that I thought I’d poisoned myself.

Sarah and I tried it together yesterday morning, pouring a small amount into a couple of glasses and downing them in one shot like it was Everclear.

“Gah,” I groaned, temporarily unable to form words.

“Is it supposed to burn?” Sarah asked, near tears.

“I think…that’s the…ginger,” I gasped. “It’s…fresh.” Then, as I usually do, I shouted, “Green drink!” because you have to shout that when you’re recovering from the health effects of these drinks (effects like hot neck and fizzy tum).

Anywho, I didn’t really poison myself. That drink is just…intense. They need to start doing commercials for it like they did for 5 Gum, except in these commercials people will say, “This is what it’s like to drink Suja!” all while being intensely and graphically violated by greens.

It might not sell very well at first, but I believe the commercials will find the right people. The people who need to see such things. Most of them probably aren’t even aware that they need to.